(And I Feel Fine)

I wrote what follows just under a year ago, at the start of the pandemic, and never finished it. When I revisited the draft today, for the first time since I wrote it, I thought I should finish it, or at least update it with an epilogue of sorts. Instead, I have decided just to add this introductory note and publish it as written.

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There's a song that's been earworming me for the past couple of weeks. It's a bit of an oldie, but has hit the charts again recently. It's probably on the minds of a lot of folks lately.

The funny thing about it is that I do feel fine, really. Sure, physically fine enough for someone in his early late forty-teens, but really fine. I'm really okay with all of this. Don't get me wrong - if I had my choice, I would still never think of that song outside of the occasional time it comes on the radio. But it's not my choice and I really don't want any of this to be happening, but it is happening and I feel fine. As a once and (hopefully) future supervisor likes to say, "It is what it is."

Extreme acceptance. That's what our couples counsellor said I need to practice. That was before all of this, and it was about my listening skills rather than reaching a state of zen about the state of the world, but we adapt. I have accepted extreme acceptance. My utter powerlessness has become my strength. Unlike everything else that is messed up in my life, I bear absolutely no responsibility for this, and there is nothing I could have done or not done that would have made a whit of difference in this. It is what it is, with or without me, and that gives me strength because I know that this is not the result of my weaknesses that have messed up everything else in my life.

This mess isn't mine. It was dumped on me, just like it was dumped on all of us. I couldn't have avoided this. If I had stopped procrastinating and done all of the things I promised myself I would do - all of the things I have to do - this would still be happening. Now some of those things wouldn't even matter if I had gotten them done, so I can tell myself I'm glad I didn't waste time doing them.